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Peace………..coming slowly

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As a new year begins for me alongside this stream I feel like the time is coming to share a few personal things with you.

No not that personal  well then again maybe.

You know insight, a reason for still being here.  I thought I could hide behind a few pretty pictures but a few have seen through my exterior and are behind me hiding but also know in time my story will come to light.  I am really writing a few books, I have the words all in my head now to make them come out the way you who write do.  Guess that is my fear that in telling a story  the reason for it gets lost in the wrong words as I am not a writer maybe more a story-teller, again hiding the real heartbreak.

So 35 years ago I was a month away from having my baby.  No way of knowing the sex back then.  I was just 21 and the baby’s father wanted me to have an abortion.  Are you kidding me,  this is what you say to a young woman you have known all your life.  A girl next door.  One you had unprotected sex with not once but two times.  I was devastated that I was pregnant and unmarried me the good girl, the Girl Scout,  the Rainbow Girl.  I do not know what I wanted him to say as he was not marriage material,  I knew that but we were friends.  He was a year older and had lived a troubled life,  I know I have to stop making excuses for him.  So I grabbed the cash that was offered to FIX IT and drove home in tears.

 

I told no one. Only he and I knew.  I did tell him before walking out with the cash to NEVER come near me again.

I went to a clinic finally in my six month.   I then told my Mom in the seventh month I guess that way no one could do a thing about it,  like what he had suggested.   My Mom was upset but I was 21 and living out on my own and working sixteen hours each day.  What she did not know till my eighth month was that I had gone down to a local adoption agency and had picked new parents out for my baby, who had yet to be born.

Her sister had cancer and could not have babies and had adopted two little boys that she adored.  She made a difference in their lives.  Two boys from two different mothers.  Her world was complete.  I knew I would be a great mom I was awesome with children but I could not be a dad as well.  My child deserved the best in life and I set out alone to make that happen.  Twenty one really was young back then to do all that thinking alone.  The ocean became my favorite place to go and walk in tears or sit and think and pray to God for him to watch over this child.

So in my eighth month I asked Mom to go to the adoption agency and sign the papers as a witness.  I look back now and think what a horrible person I must have been to make her sign below my name giving up the first grandchild.  She wanted me to bring home the baby and with their help I could do it she assured me I could but it was my child and I wanted more for it.  She never spoke to my dad about signing the papers and when he took me to the hospital in labor that Saturday morning he had no idea what I was doing.  I knew I had disappointed them and brought shame upon them but I always made it better in my mind knowing I had chosen life for my child and a home where they wanted a baby so bad because they could not have their own. I am not sure my parents ever truly forgave me in their hearts as it was never spoken about again.  You see I  was all alone at the hospital in labor doctor said I could still change my mind,  it was my baby. Nurses held my hand as I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Blonde hair and Blue eyes.  He weighed 9 lbs. 8 oz. I had him completely natural. I swore to God that day I would do anything  and go through what ever hell I had to as long as he  always watched over my baby.

That baby will be thirty-six come February.   Yes I met him over the phone when he was 31. A year and half later he drove into my front yard here along this stream, where he said a Great Blue Heron had welcomed him.  He may have been away from me for thirty-one years but without a doubt he is truly my child.  He is so beautiful ok handsome and such a beautiful artist and I will be sharing all I can about him,  with you,  because he has made a beautiful ending that all stories should have.

 

Now there will be some more stories I will share with you  that you can be sure of  but my days are numbered with you,  hiding behind photos.  I will really kick it into gear to sell them as cards, puzzles or prints. You see I really am writing a few books when I can sit with less pain in my heart .

Thank you Chris another blogger who knows another part of my life through our blogging but this is where the life I lead began and it where I really had to begin the story from,  as after thirty-one years  I finally know WHY.  Why I was who I was.  Why I allowed others to do what they did to me but you know what there is a very happy ending and I thank God for making that possible.  There have been many  times in my son’s life and mine that  had things gone differently we never would have held each other and kissed or felt complete.

 

Thanks for listening

Eunice

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Eunice Miller

Retired female trucker Photographer Watercolor Artist Gardener Jewelry maker(beads and glass) Animal Lover Blogger lol but you knew that lol Find me at folsommillstudio.com Folsom Mill Studio on Facebook Please feel free to email me at folsommillstudio@gmail.com if there is an image you would like to buy or an Original Watercolor or print or maybe a card of the painting you enjoyed. https://folsommillstudio.pixels.com/

75 thoughts on “Peace………..coming slowly”

    1. Thanks Bill it was hard but if I am to write a story to help others it had to come here first where I felt safe
      Eunice

  4. Beautiful Eunice. The story begins. What an admirable person you are. Your decisions regarding your son were so unselfish and loving. You gave him a better life, even though it made yours harder. You put his welfare ahead of yours and that is what the very good mother’s do.
    Much love & hugs to you and your son, along with gratitude that you are ready to tell your story.

  5. This is so sad, but opening up and telling your story must surely help you heal…. No wonder you are such a strong person Eunice! Look forward to hearing more about your son. 😀

  6. Dear Eunice,
    I know that telling your story is a part of the healing process. I am so happy that you and your son found each other again! You have given yourselves the gift of a happy ending. Best wishes to you both.

    1. Funny I never searched for him till I took a writing class and just emailed the agency lol Like do you know if my little boy I placed with you lived a wonderful life? The phone rang and she said Where have you been your son has been looking for you. First thing I said was WHY did they not treat him well? Never thought he would ever know he was adopted never mind wanting to know me the story gets better and on his birthday I will introduce you well not really but you know show him off to you as you made me comfortable enough to begin really living, each and everyone here. xo

  9. Where to start, you said, Eunice. I was barely aware that I had clicked on your blog today. I was drawn to the photo in my Reader. But my own story is the other side of the coin. My mum was desperate for me to keep my little girl. She had had numerous miscarriages between me and my sister, 11 years younger and now deceased, as is my mum. At 21 and living alone in London, I didn’t really know which decision to make. I still don’t know if I made the right one, but I’m so glad that you have your son back. A great reward for your bravery.

    1. 😦 So many of my family do not even know I was pregnant never mind that we have found each other so much to tell so much to heal from me and him what a story a very long story is all I can say.

      Me neither when it comes to right or wrong all I know is in that moment of time will all outer forces girlfriends aborting some keeping their and throwing the children with strangers to go out to party others doing drugs where their kids could see I was praying the couple I had chosen would love him beyond themselves and always put him first I was young and dumb 🙂

      Thanks for telling me your story we have things to say now about choices xo

      Eunice

  10. What a beautiful but heart wrenching story. You were very brave to do what you did, and I am so happy your son has welcomed you back into his life. A very happy new year to you and you’re family 🙂

  11. Dearest Eunice, I have tears of pain and joy streaming for you as I read. You are a wonderful story-teller to have such an effect on a reader. You are a treasure and your story is one that will help many. The tears of joy are for the happy the ending: for all that you gave away out of love has come right back to you. The Blue Heron will never look the same. Blessings always to you and yours, Bette

    1. OH Bette you are so right that Heron I protect with me life. Mike (the name they gave him) said he flew up as if to greet me 🙂 I was scared to death to meet him, worried for all the normal reasons I now see and as we walked into the back yard he says This reminds me of the yard I grew up in 😦 I worried I would be so plain from the rich people who raised him but now with 4 years of tears and laughter he is ME lol without a doubt I can not wait till his birthday to have a show and tell 🙂

      All the things that took place from the moment I chose them for him till the day we hugged all happened for a reason and in that moment Bette I knew God had indeed watched over him for me

      I am sorry I made you cry 😦
      It is why I do not have the books complete too many tears from hiding for so many years, wait till you read another chapter. I am blessed and feel so safe with you and my followers, that I, with a little coaxing new it was time to come clean, heal my heart to move on and it is what I want to do

      Love
      Eunice

  12. What a beautiful story. You did the right thing at the right time. I am so glad that you and your son have reconnected 🙂

    1. Karen thanks for reading my first in a series of Getting to know me and I am sorry it brought you to tears I am trying to write so I no longer have them streaming down my face but I just can’t yet. I do not know why either I hope the retreat I will attend will let me place it where it belongs and let me move on to the good stuff 🙂

      You know I never saw myself as brave just so determined to give him every chance at a wonderful life 🙂

      XO
      Eunice

      1. Hello Eunice! I could feel your emotion as I read your story. The tears came from joy when you were able to reunite with your child. I look forward to more of you postings. Good luck with your prints, book writing, etc.
        XO Karen

      2. Thanks Karen I was blessed being able to hold him again
        I truly must have done something right in my life to get that chance now to heal and move forward

        Funny had the bus that rear ended me not taken my living away I never would have met him lol blessings come in so many forms even when it is the farthest thing from where you stand 🙂

        XO
        Eunice

  14. Such an amazing story and what self sacrifice you did at such a young age. It is only right that your son should return to you and I’m sure it makes your life complete. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story with us.

    1. It was hard to write this but the time to move on is now. I have so many things in motion and before there is never a right time or I run out of time I had to start. to tell it.

      Thanks for reading just hope it gets easier and easier as I write more and more 🙂

      Eunice

    1. I think now as I look back it was the only one I ever made on my own funny hey maybe that is where I went wrong or maybe RIGHT 🙂 He said upon meeting me that I had sold myself short that we could have rocked this world 🙂 OH God to be young and fearless lol

      I do adore him but am scared he is also a lot like me
      🙂

      Eunice

  16. that is such a beautiful and heart wrenching story, thank you for sharing that and i look forward to reading more about you. i’m also here to tell you that i have nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award! you truly are a lovely blogger as well as having a lovely blog. http://wp.me/p2GxHb-1bt

    1. Thanks so much I really appreciate you for saying so I was afraid to write afraid no one would LIKE me anymore lol
      I do not know how to write I am used to playing on a CB lol in the truck so this letting go is all new but so over due I want to let go and I can’t if it is always a deep dark secret 😦

      It may be a few days before I can go on and accept your beautiful award
      Eyes swollen head hurts 🙂

      I will let you know when I had done a post OK

      Eunice

      1. awww ♥ hey take your time! it’s no rush on the awards. it took me a month or more to get around to mine. oh do i ever know what you mean about not knowing how to write all fancy like some so i just write how i talk… well i have toned down my cussing a little 🙂 you have done a great job, you wrote from your heart and THAT is the best way of all in my opinion. i know about needing to let go of the past at least thinking of it in the same manner as we thought during the bad times. that is one thing that i have learned since getting sober/drug free.

      2. Bless you for listening and GETTING IT! I don’t cus so much while typing lol in person I must bite my tongue 🙂

        I am glad you continue on the path of loving yourself enough to honor you free of $%#@ lol clean and sober is where it is at!

        Keep up the great work I know it is hard to be good to ourselves 😦

        Eunice

  17. Oh my lovely lady – for you to open your heart and share your story to the world – so so brave. I commend you. I had tears. We truly do not know ‘who is’ the person behind the posts. To meet your son… to see him after 31 years OMG. I can understand the pain that you must have gone through the torment of giving him up, but I understand your reasoning as to why – you did what mothers would do – put their children first. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story with us. I hope that you and your ‘boy’ live every day catching up on many beautiful moments. Inspiring xxx
    and if I may?

    I gave you up for I was young
    my thoughts were just for you
    I couldn’t raise you by myself
    I did, what a mother should do
    It tore my heart to let you go
    but I knew it would be right
    I cried my blood red tears
    silently through the
    night

    but now I have found you
    or should I say you found me
    I gave to you a home of love
    ..it was meant to be
    and now you’re in my life again
    and I can but thankfully rejoice
    you weren’t a toy I cast
    away
    you ‘are’ my little boy

    1. Thanks you for my beautiful poem
      it means the world to me that YOU GET IT
      you could imagine the pain. He was so sad on his 21st birthday because I did not come for him I cried then laughed and said why didn’t you tell me where you were and that you needed me 🙂

      Boy our story is gut wrenching, tear filled story but I want only smiles but I am stuck so I need to free myself from my hiding spot and start to live. He has had hard times with emotions since we met. I demand he respects them he takes it as me pushing him away then we realize we both love each other and we are strangers. They said they supported him for years wanting him to find me but after leaving us he made the 45 min ride to where they were and he went in so excited and he said he never had seen them in so much pain see they are my angels I do not want him to hurt them so sorrow for us is kind of crazy though we are coming to the understanding that we are alike and love so deeply for each other it is DNA and we can’t help it is who we are. I have always loved him more than life and there are times he feels he is not worthy of so much love 🙂 two trouble Pieces 🙂

      Wait till you see him 🙂

      XO
      HUGS AND MORE HUGS for always being there.

      2. I wanted to write the first chapters then have Mike add the middle ones and we could finish the story together not sure we will ever get to that point but then it would be a book we could share with others before a baby was made 🙂

  18. Eunince, I was adopted when I was a baby and I would not have the beautiful life I have now if my birth mother had not made that decision. I later met mer and my siblings when I was in my late 20s and the life I woudl have had was drasticly differant than the one she gave me that day.
    I am so glad he found you and you have that happy ending. I got to meet my birth family and spent some time getting to know then and then one day they just kind of dropped out of my life. Back then long distance was something I could not afford and they had all moved out of state many years before. It makes me sad, but at least I got to get to know them and get some questions answered. I am so excited to hear your happy ending, it was the one I wanted that really did not work out for me. She had too many other kids and did not need me. Hardship had forced her to give me up and I guess being one of like 12 kids, it is a differant situation that with your son !!
    Thank you for sharing your story, I am enjoying getting to know you through your stories.
    Stephie

    1. I am sorry honey about your Mom it changes us in ways as you will see with future little short stories I will share.
      You just look at my photo at 18 in my ABOUT section not a care in the world happy go lucky young girl and in the end I will show you what a world of heartache and pain over saying goodbye to him left me with.
      She did love you honey though with all the others who followed it doesn’t fell that was Stephie but I swear she has her story too and the reason for so many after you may just be to hide behind form missing sometimes a switch is turned on and we can’t shut it off. You can not carry a baby inside you for 9 months and do what her and I did and be cold and calculating even those who abort usually never forget that baby that could have been

      OK now I am so glad you got a great set of parents who raised you. I swore I would never have a child I just couldn’t I missed my little boy.

      Your Mom saw how much she had missed with you as I did him she also saw how rich your were in your heart being raised with love that it made her so very sad but happy too so many emotions raw as they are coming boiling up to the surface and I as a birth mother did not know what or how to deal with them at times either. I am far from a perfect person.

      Thanks for sharing your story and opening your heart as you read mine

      Love
      Eunice

  20. Oh my gracious! I am so in awe of your courage and beautiful heart. You did what you knew was best for your son and sacrificed the easy way. This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I love happy endings.

    1. Thank You

      Sadly as you read a few more entries to come that brave girl had gone missing it all makes sense now but it has been a long and not so easy road for me but I too love a happy ending thanks for coming by and talking
      Hugs
      Eunice

  21. Without question, giving up a child is hard, but when you stop and think about what that gift meant to someone else, it makes it a little easier. Life is not always filled with easy decisions. I am more than a little impressed that you shared your story. That, too, takes courage.

    1. Thanks so much for reading and stopping by.

      I thought of only the couple in the last 6 or 7 weeks before he was born praying they would accept the baby. So many told me Of Course they will do you know what they are charging for babies 😦 sure they meant well but I was not selling a baby I was looking for a whole family already set with home and a room to call his own 😦 I am strong very very strong but so broken as well I am doing all I can to be me again whole, healthy and Lovin
      hence the name for my Blog 🙂

      I knew by sharing maybe just maybe the flip side could be heard I am not ever going to convince someone this was easy to do not after they see The Rest of the Story 😦

      I did have to start as I will go away for the last part of healing and want this out and no longer hidden deep inside destroying any and all happiness I deserve 🙂

      Eunice

  22. So glad I found time to break away from work/family stuff to visit you here. You are a wonderful wonderful friend and the strength you show in this blog is unbelievable. It is just heartbreaking that any mother’s first prenency experience has to so lonely and so tragic. But HELL, you did the right thing to give birth to your baby boy. And the fact you put the selfishness behind you to only want the best for you son is amazing. I can’t think of anybody that would have made the sacrafice you made. “Hiding behind beautiful photos”…now where would you get an idea like that? 🙂 You are an amazing mother for making the sacrafice you made, don’t let anybody else tell you othewise!!

    1. Chris thanks for reading and understanding best any one could. Now you see a big reason for staying where I ended up felt I deserved no better I now know I deserve the happiness everyone does but 13 years is a long time to be told differently. 🙂

      I told Ron I had told you a little 🙂 then that I finally wrote a first piece with the support you have given me and the retreat coming up I do think I will finally be able to heal
      Thanks so much
      Eunice

      1. Hey, you are not dead yet, you got some 13 years of happiness to catch up on! 🙂
        If only you could have seen my expression when we really started talking. I had to click on your avatar and your home page to verify it was the same person that I THOUGHT I was talking to, asking, “Is this the same person that post all those relaxing serene pictures of nature?” lol. Hurry up and get healed up so you can live with full happiness again 🙂

  23. I can’t stand that I’ve been so busy and under the weather with a cold that I couldn’t finish reading this amazing story, Eunice! So touching – and tender – I can just hear the healing words. I’m so glad for you and grateful that you can share your son with us.
    So grateful.
    hugs – but from a distance so you don’t catch my coodies…
    Sue

    1. HUGS Sue and feel better soon
      Kind of surprised how much I said after so many years saying nothing at all.
      Eunice

      1. Must feel good to say these things, to talk of your son. You write with such clarity and peace – I loved hearing this side of you, Eunice. Sharing like this is such a gift you give to others.
        a sleepy hug right back at ya.
        Stay warm-
        Sue

      2. Thanks honey. I hope he and I will always be in contact and stay friends he has a Mom and Dad I am OK with that as I PICKED THEM 🙂 it is what it is but he knows I am always a click away or a call.

        Not sure I like sharing me lol Grandma now maybe 🙂
        HUGS
        Eunice

      3. It’s never really comfortable sharing ourselves! Grandma “maybe” huh? Gonna let us in on that one soon?
        Not much gets by these old eyes…
        hugs back-
        Sue

      4. No I do not think I would have a problem with my families PAST lol me still too raw even after 35 years 🙂

      7. Isn’t it wonderful that we always have time to heal? I can feel changes inside me – like I’m letting go of pain and hurt and growing… I hope the same for you, my dear friend. Continued peace and blessings and all good things.

      8. Thanks Sue and I am glad you can let go and feel good too and allow healing to be a part of you I know I deserve a good 30 year period 🙂
        HUGS
        Eunice

  25. I felt an influx of different emotions reading your story.. In the end, I am glad to know that peace is coming to you. My best wishes for you!
    Love,
    HA

    1. I know what you mean I have had so many emotions for 35 years

      Peace is slow but steady

      Thanks so much for stopping but

      You hang in there too life is so worth living and fighting for

  26. What a brave girl you were! And Eunice, what a remarkable person you are. Good luck with your books and your cards. I look forward to the new stories, and I have a feeling your new year will be extra extra special.

    1. Thanks I am not a poet or a writer just sometimes it pours from my gut or soul or heart 🙂

      Bless You

      Eunice

  29. Love your wonderful story concerning peace.

    Thank you for visiting my blog today. I appreciate the time you took to stop by. May your day be filled with joy and peace.
    BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!

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